To Choose or Not to Choose, That is the Question…..
I have decided to finally come back to blogging. I stepped away because of time crunches and pure frustration with life and didn’t want to use one of the things that has actually helped me to cope with things. The journey that I have been on for the past year or so will unfold as I begin to write more but for right now I will focus on the task at hand and the topic that is plaguing my mind currently.
God blessed us with free will and I have learned that so many times we have decided to turn the reigns over to someone else and often times unconsciously let them decide how we should feel, act, and respond.
Today I had the oppurtunity to let that happen, I’ve let it happen often, similar situations but today I decided to chose to not let someone else’s decision to effect me and my day.
Today I am Thankful for Fall and Creativity
I realized today I am horrible at this, I get so caught up in everything else in my life, I forget sometimes to take a few moments out of my day and just recap and be grateful. I’ve been pretty busy with my creative outlet also known as my second job. I guess today I will cheat and attempt to catch up.
Today I am thankful for the Fall season and creativity because right now they go hand and hand for me. I am a part-time portrait and wedding photographer and so during this fabulous season of fall I have a spike in business because people love to be out in this weather and colors. I don’t blame them, I do too. I am thankful that God gave me an abundance of creativity, it’s where I thrive and were I excel, its where I feel the most like me. So the two put together, well it just makes me happy.
I will try to be better at this, I know by doing this daily I will have a different perspective on life in general, I’ve just got to remember to slow down and take time for things that will keep me going. I hope everyone takes a moment to enjoy the weather and their creative side today.
Happy Thursday!
Today I am thankful for the Holy Spirit
I sat in my car crying, completely at my wits end and angry at everything. I had let my thoughts push me so far down I couldn’t feel anything but pain and anger. Then something happened, I just said aloud something along the lines of I’m not worth anything, that I’m a horrible person (if I told you what started this whole line of thinking this day, you wouldn’t believe me), after that statement, I felt something. A very small soft voice not audible but in my mind said, “Not according to the Bible”. I knew in my heart it couldn’t have been my own thoughts because at that point I didn’t have a positive thought going through my head or coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t deny that it was God speaking to me reminding me that according to His word I was worth something. This isn’t the first time this has happened but it still amazes me even when I get to my absolute lowest of lows His peace can overcome it. I hate that feeling, when I get to that point of complete despair but sometimes I feel the greatest peace when I hear the Holy Spirit. I decided that from this point forward I will strive to find something I am thankful for everyday and the reason why I’m thankful for it and it can’t be the same thing. I’m going to try this for a full year and this blog when now be used to document that quest, so, today I am thankful for the Holy Spirit.
Just another Friday night
I haven’t posted in awhile, but I thought I should start back…..not much but here ya go. The picture in this post is an image I took on Friday night. Enjoy!
Beauty
I sometimes feel like I live on an emotional roller coaster. I went from being fine with this new adventure in my life to rock bottom with one conversation. The person that I had this conversation with does not know that it affected me this way and quite frankly I don’t know how to explain it but it caused just a rush of frustration, confusion and ache in my heart.
I have been blessed with many women in my life that love me and try their best to help me see the me inside and that God’s love is all I need in the end. Well, I am struggling with a serious “want”, that border-lines feeling like a need. I desperately desire to hear the words, “You are beautiful” or “You are pretty” from a man. Pathetic, right? Well, try going your whole life not hearing it. I have never been told those words by a boy, guy, or man. Let me tell you, it does a number on one’s self-esteem after a while. I’m not looking for pity or anything like that. I just needed to express this is a serious desire in my life and even though I know it won’t make everything better, I needed to put it out there. I’m not discounting the times that my friends and leaders have that told me I’m beautiful. I don’t really have a way to end this post because I haven’t had a resolution happen yet but I will end with a song that played through my mind I as wrote. I also hope that each of my readers feel beautiful today and her those words that are so very precious.
Breaking the Mold
Blame peer pressure, blame society and even sometimes blame the parents. In the South and especially small towns in the South there is significant pressure to get married and have children. I grew up my entire life in the South and still reside. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married. My family is famous for bad marriages and dysfunction so I guess a large part of me wanted to be the lucky one. There isn’t one marriage that I know in my family is currently happy. My southern upbringing was a little different, all my family could tell me was get an education first don’t think about boys, they just cause trouble. Of course, when I hit my teenage years I wanted to rebel as much as possible but luckily around the time I became a teenager I had become a Christian and put a few standards in place for myself. All of my friends were dating and I desperately wanted to as well but for some reason it never happened. Fast forward to my college years, still had those southern roots in me that wanted nothing more than to get MRS degree but some how I managed to leave my college years without any relationships, a few heartaches and I let a couple of guys down along the way but still nothing. Fast forward yet again to today, I am 27 and still no relationships, my high school reunion is coming up in September or October and I’m terrified because I don’t want to go back the same way I left. I know I’m not exactly the same but I just hate the thought of going back and having people ask THE question, “So you got anyone special in your life?”, “Any children?”. Part of me really wants to pay some really hot guy to go me (I haven’t completely ruled this idea out) but it would be in vain in the end.
So, all of this to say, I had a little divine intervention this evening. I hadn’t planned to attend our young adult service this evening but I decided to go at the last-minute and I’m glad I did. God moved in the service and laid something on my heart. As service was in its ending time frame it was laid upon my pastor’s heart to continue and to allow a time of prayer. I moved to the back of the room and sat down and began to pray. I have been struggling to understand what it is I am supposed to do next with my life as far as my ministry is concerned and I hadn’t really felt a definite pull anywhere. I sat there and I remember saying to God, “Whatever it is, I’ll do it, what am I suppose to do next?”. Soon after that it hit me like a ton of bricks out of no where. He was calling me to embrace my singleness, I began to cry tears of pain, as I continued to cry and let the pain wash over me, I started to realize I was ok, I accepted it. I wasn’t angry or mad but I knew with everything in me that was it. I know God will never call me to do something that I don’t want to do. I know this is something that has to be done. I don’t really know where to go from here but I know accepting it is the first step and allowing me to rely on God to walk me through it. I don’t necessarily think this will be a lifetime thing and I’m not going to turn down a date if one comes my way. What I’m saying is, embracing the time that God has given me in this stage of my life and helping other young women embrace it as well. To help them not feel the way that I have felt for the past ten years, to let them know that it’s ok to be frustrated sometimes when everyone around you seems to be pairing up but to not stay there and let it rule their lives. I want to be an example of it being ok to be single. The girls I work with at church are graduating high school this year and I want them to not be trapped my societies view, their families or their peers but to embrace what God has for them at every stage of their life and not letting a status define their worth.
Falling Up the Stairs
I fell going up the stairs, my boot caught the stair and down I went, it all seemed to happen in slow motion. I hate falling, I hate the feeling of being out of control and the embarrassment that soon follows after it. It’s a horrible feeling and it hurts a lot afterwards. I managed to not injure myself to badly, a couple of bruises and a cut on my knee.
But, it got me thinking about my faith and when I “fall”. I know I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else. But that really doesn’t stop it from hurting or that feeling of embarrassment. There are many things that can make me fall and sometimes I’ll be doing fine on the inside but a “stair” that I’m not ready for might come my way and throw me off and sometimes it is me that causes the fall, not necessarily on purpose but sometimes it happens. Sometimes when I fall I don’t need any help getting up, but there are sometimes I do.
This year has gotten off to a bumpy start but I have a God and some amazing people in my life there for me when I fall hard or I just can’t seem to gain my footing. The thing that really sticks out for me is that I’m falling but at least I’m falling UP the stairs. I’m going forward and not back. I’ll leave you today with the scripture that we are memorizing at my church for this week.
I told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
You take the good, you take the bad
As I contemplated how I was going to approach this, the theme song from the “Facts of Life” popped into my head (and it is now running on repeat).
Well, the Christmas present was a bit a of a let down. The initial feelings of giddy wore off and I realized this wasn’t the right person for me. But, as I said in my previous post I do take good things with me.
As the year wraps up, I can look back and see that this has been a year of growth for me and with growth comes pain and discomfort but, it also comes with lessons learned and glimmers of hope for a better future from the lessons learned. So, to end the year I will give you a little insight into what I have learned, the good and the bad 
Wedding photography is difficult, very difficult but with the right planning and understanding that things will go wrong, it can be done.
Life is full of ups and downs, we just have to remember the right perspective.
Life is short, we are never promised tomorrow.
Circumstances do COME and GO.
Grace and mercy are for everyone, even me.
It’s ok to take chances.
Love your crazy family and they just might love you back.
Tears, sushi (insert your feel-good-comfort food), chocolate and amazing friends make life so much better.
Love unconditionally.
Accept compliments and really hear when people tell you nice things.
You (I) are worth so much more than we ever give ourselves credit for.
Life is full of opportunities to learn something, make the decision to do it.
And the most important one of all and one I don’t ever want to forget….Trust God
My dear friends, I pray that you can look back on 2010 and see that God has been there with you every step of the way. I know we don’t always see him in the storms of life but I hope that when it is all said and done that you do remember to lean on Him. I was reminded yesterday that we don’t need to hide things from God or to put on a brave face, that’s where we should be the most vulnerable, is in His presence. That we should put all of our hopes and dreams in the hands of the creator of hopes and dreams. I hope all of you have an amazing new year!!
As always I like to leave a little something, this is truly random but I found it when I was searching for the Facts of Life theme song. I really miss Blossom! Ha!
Christmas Magic
I believe in Christmas Magic, I am a grown woman, I don’t believe in Santa Claus or flying reindeer but I do believe that there is something magical about this time of year….like anything could happen. That the impossible is no longer that.
I experienced some of it today.
Some people may not find it magical but for me it was truly life changing. I took the plunge a couple of weeks ago and joined “The” dating website. I was skeptical at first and was scared of what might come of it but with some much-needed nudging and shoving from my dearest friend, N, I joined and made an effort and put myself out there. Back to today, I was contacted by a rather attractive, seemingly well-rounded guy, for me my friends, this is a first. Usually the guys that approach me in my surrounding area are, for a lack of better words….creepy. This truly was a first and well an answered prayer. Its cheesy and silly but it felt like God was sending some Christmas magic my way and helping me to remember that I am worth great and not to settle for just ok. Do I see this connection going anywhere? I don’t know, but I do know that I gained so much more that will make it a lot easier to keep enduring the song and dance if it doesn’t pan out. I had something happen to me recently that made me question if it was me and I guess….its not me. So, ladies that read my blog (and guys if you’re reading) I can confidently say that if you are single and feel that there is no one out there and it will never happen….it will. I have been the biggest skeptic and nay sayer out there, if I can say this, there’s definitely some clout to that.
I love to leave my readers with something memorable and even though this is not a Christmas song, its very appropriate for this post.
Merry Christmas!
